“When I was shooting up heroin and stripping, I didn’t care about my life. I would overdose or get beat up and it didn’t matter to me. I felt like I was a fuckup and that my life wasn’t worth living. In rehab I did the hard work of processing everything that had happened with my family, and as awful as it was, I’m a more whole person for all that.”
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“I could never be good enough, godly enough / To gain my parents approval, / But earning a spanking was too easy, I didn’t have to try. / Now I punish myself / for things not my fault.”
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“Somewhere I went blind in the conversation — / somewhere between the epidermis / and the angels — / somewhere my stomach lost its way / amidst the tangles of a prayer and an / agony, an anger, and all I hate. / Here is a scar; there, the bruise. / This is the air we breathe.”
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“When you find a reason to get up every morning, you will not want pain any more. I remember taking a shower and screaming into the gushing water, because that was the only place they couldn’t hear me. It eats you up inside and I know you want to be free.”
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“These bones are too hard. / I can’t break them. /I can’t feel my heart all the way behind them. / If I scratched off my skin, / I could hold these little blue veins in my wrists.”
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“I fought with my therapist, arguing that my coping mechanism didn’t hurt anyone else and didn’t cause permanent damage. Why was my choice irrational and unhealthy, but it’s fine for parents to crush their children’s souls? Plus, what the hell should I do instead?”
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“When I confided in a male friend about my self-injury, my parents immediately found out thanks to heavily monitored spyware on my computer…But my parents saw my issues as rebellion against their authority that should be broken.”
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“I am a member of the family / I am a member of the housework crew / I am my parent’s possession/ I am their trophy
I am a representative for Christ / I am a future mother in a future family preparing to serve a future husband.”
“That is the problem with eating disorders, and self injury in the homeschool world. All of our families are supposed to be picture perfect. Cookie cutter families who never have any problems. So many families I knew growing up acted as if this life were a competition, to see who’s family they could beat in the godliness Olympics. “
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“I couldn’t bring myself to accept myself as my own self. I’d simply punish myself, my body. I would think, I was predestined for hell. That’s what they probably were thinking anyways. I was a vessel for wrath; I was always a vessel for wrath; I might as well prepare myself for eternal punishment in the here and now.”
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Homeschoolers Anonymous 